Papa’s Predictions

So what, I’m old and these damn computer things seem to get the best of me at every turn. I need glasses to watch the game, and sometimes I yell “fumble” while sitting all by myself on my big ass chair in my big ass living room on my big ass. Oh, and sometimes there was no fumble at all - forgot to mention that. In fact, I seem to forget from time to time as well. Screw it, all that jazz doesn’t even matter because when it comes to football I surely know my game. I’ve said some things that have been wrong, but that only accounts for 3 instances in my football existence. So, when asked to do my predictions I figured, what the hell. Sure, the nephew might be able to actually keep tabs on the things I predict now, but that just gives me one more chance to prove my football knowledge dominance in this family tree. Let the predictions begin with glory and rapture!!!

 

1. Vince Young - Top 5 fantasy quarterback in leagues that award only 4 points for throwing touchdowns.
2. LenDale - more fantasy points than Chris Johnson in every format, except maybe PPR - that will be a close race. 
3. Earnest Graham won’t get 20+ carries in more than 3 games this season - and that bites into his value.
4. Deion Branch - best fantasy receiver in Seattle (total points).
5. LeSean McCoy will be a better professional running back than Beanie Wells - and he will be something (draft him in leagues where that’s a part of it).
6. Willis McGahee - 1200+ rushing yards for the Ravens.
7. Edgerrin James will break the 1000-yard mark once again.
8. My nephew thinks Calvin Johnson will be a Top 15 WR - he’ll be a Top 5 WR - my nephew will edit this article and I thank him for that.
9. Matt Ryan - much better fantasy quarterback than Joe Flacco this season - but neither will bust the Top 20.
10. Chad Pennington will bust the Top 20, and throw at least 20 touchdowns if he plays more than 12 games.
11. Jerchio Cotchery - easily outscore Coles in New York.
12. Selvin Young - the leading rusher in the NFL headed into Week 7.
13. Kurt Warner will get hurt in the first four weeks, allowing Matt Leinart to take the starting job back and keep it for the duration of the season - the entitled little bastard.
14. DeAngelo Williams gets 66% of the carries in Carolina and rush for 1000+ yards for the first time in his career.
15. Dustin Keller - Top 10 fantasy tight end by seasons end.
16. So will Greg Olsen.
17. Nate Burleson - scores double digit touchdowns in Seattle again.
18. Steve Slaton will lead the Texans backfield, and will approach 80 receptions.
19. Marion Barber - best running back this season in fantasy land.
20. Brain Westbrook won’t play more than 11 games - as much as I love the guy.
21. Chris Perry - top 15 fantasy running back.
22. Frank Gore - top 5 fantasy back.
23. Randy Moss - catches less than 15 touchdowns, but still has a great season - more catches this year.
24. Chad Johnson figures out that the Bengals don’t have a chance by Week 6 - that’s when he opts for season ending surgery - he gets traded in 2009.
25. The SeaChickens don’t win the NFC West this year.
26. Neither do the freaking Niners.
27. LT scores in each of his first four games to start the season.
28. Adrian Peterson won’t break the Top 5 running back list in 2008.
29. Willie Parker revisits his 2006 form and finishes the year with 1300+ yards and 9 touchdowns or more. (nephew thinks this is crazy old man speak)
30. Plaxico Burress - his best statistical season, don’t believe my nephew’s bad ju-ju.
31. Steve Smith - will be the #2 in New York and catch 65 balls at least.
32. Steve Smith - Carolina’s best weapon puts up 12 touchdowns and finishes in the Top 5 amongst per-game fantasy receiver.
33. Brandon Marshall - does work in Denver, grabbing 100+ balls in 15 games.
34. Rookie receiver James Hardy will lead all rookie receivers in touchdowns.
35. Tony Scheffler - Top 5 TE.
36. The Ravens will lose at least 12 games.
37. Santana Moss - ready? - 1300+ yards, 9+ touchdowns, 80+ grabs - believe it. 
38. Ronald Curry finally meets my nephew’s expectations now that he hasn’t said anything about him recently - 1000+ yards and 6 or more scores in 08.
39. Chris Henry - more touchdowns for the Bengals than Chad Johnson gets.
40. Adam “Pacman” Jones never gets in trouble again - he also plays offense a little this season and scores at least 4 touchdowns.
41. Jamal Lewis will be a great buy-low candidate after Week 3 - get him then and reap the benefits. (nephew thinks this is a great call)
42. Ryan Grant is going to be a beast - 1400 yards and 14 touchdowns are not out of the question.
43. Reggie Bush - 10+ total touchdowns this season, his highest total of his career.
44. Deuce McAllister will lead the Saints in rushing yards -even on 3 bad knees.
45. Maurice Jones Drew - 200+ carries for 1200+ yards and scores at least 14 times - and welcome to JD being a Top 5 fantasy pick for the next 4 years.
46. Tarvaris Jackson - 20+ touchdowns for the Vikings. (interesting says the nephew)
47. So does Jason Campbell, but not for the Vikings.
48. Anquan Boldin catches more balls than Larry Fitzgerald.
49. Marvin Harrison catches 80+ balls and scores between 8-12 times.
50. Terrell Owens will lead all receivers in touchdowns - damn his black heart. 

Dos and Don’ts: Draft Day Trickery!

I’m not quite as wordy as my nephew, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have knowledge. Sure, he can get all wordily-smurdily, but I have 30 single sentences that will help you during your drafts, during the season, and during sex – believe it! Here they are, the never-dos; the dropped soap, the pissing peak, the naked wander down 5^th avenue at noon – but all in fantasy terms, well mostly all. Confused yet? Here you go…

1. Never ever pick a quarterback in the 1^st round.
2. Don’t draft a fantasy team on the fly, cheat sheets and player listings are there for a reason; mostly so you don’t draft guys that have been already drafted.
3. Run with scissors on draft day, it makes other people afraid of you because you are dangerous.
4. Take a 3^rd running back before some teams have two, it makes them go crazy.
5. Don’t ever talk on a cell phone during a draft, and feel free to punch any blue tooth drafter right in the throat.
6. Barry Sanders and Ahman Green have similar chances to succeed in 2008, so for fun, do draft the former right after the latter is selected.
7. When people make terrible picks, do mock them by saying you were just about to pick that guy (especially in the Ahman Green then Barry Sanders case).
8. Don’t draft a guy in round 2 and then try to trade him immediately for a guy your buddy picked in Round 3 – it’s just bad form.
9. If you want Frank Gore because you think he’s going to go nuts this year, do pick him early rather than miss him and watch him do exactly what you thought he’d do.
10. Don’t talk about Thomas Jones’ biceps at the Sex Store with your girl, she’ll make you wish you haden’t.
11. Do dabble in the late receiver run.
12. Don’t you dare waste two picks in the first 5 rounds on quarterabacks.
13. Don’t get Steve Smiths, Adrian Petersons, or Roy Williams’s confused.
14. If you’re going to pick like an idiot then make sure you do shower before and after, that way you won’t feel like a bunch of your best friends did you dirty.
15. Do doo-doo before you draft – nobody likes to wait on a guy in the shitter and it gives you extra time to study up.
16. Don’t doo-doo while drafting, because then you’ll have to take a shower during the draft and you’ll have to borrow a buddies sweat pants, plus relieving yourself in your pants isn’t cool despite what Happy Gilmore says.
17. Don’t pick anybody that broke a record last season – the value just isn’t there.
18. Don’t ever tell me Don’t or I’ll rub your neck beard and karate chop you.
19. Do physically write down you jack-off friends remarks during the draft – you can either use it against them later or listen to them next year, either way.
20. Don’t wish you would have – it’s really pretty much the most useless act of all antasy drafts everywhere.
21. Don’t bring a good buddy that doesn’t know much about football to a longtime league – for his and your sake.
22. Don’t draft every skill player from your home team, because it doesn’t even work in New England.
23. Do look at the position you pick out of a hat, but don’t let the others know you looked – that way if you don’t like it you can ask them to blindly trade you picks and sometimes the dumb ones will.
24. Don’t pick backups for every position unless transactions aren’t free.
25. Don’t pick a complete starting lineup before you pick back-ups for any single position – nobody that does that ever wins anything.
26. Don’t pronounce names wrong.
27. Do feel free to use first names when talking about soon to be legends, Tom, Peyton, Randy, Terrell, LaDainian.
28. Don’t ever call out “L. Tomlinson” because your cheat sheet doesn’t print first names, because everyone will secretly hate you for it.
29. Don’t do 12 ESPN Mock Drafts and 3 Yahoo Mock Drafts only to proclaim, “This draft is nothing like the 15 mock drafts I did last night”, because not only do you sound like an idiot but you are an idiot.
30. Don’t follow every single rule on this list, but 29 out of 30 ain’t bad!

Tear Jerkers - Pre-Season Edition

It doesn’t need to be the regular season to make an old man cry. Pre-season flaps, mishandled snaps, contract mishaps and even the clap - there are many things that go on prior to the start of the season than can get an old man like me to well up like a little baby. Okay, you’ve got me, I don’t cry about jack, but there are a lot of things that piss me off. What things? you ask? Well, lets throw a couple out there.

Mike Martz: This son of a bum “offensive genius” gathers a following every single damn year. I thought it was just the last couple years, but with a move to San Francisco and yet another gaggle of blind boobs meandering behind his “brilliance”, recently has become every single damn year. Well, hopefully this hack of a football mind will be forced to chew off the football foot he always jams in his chewer. There’s not one guy that mishandles the feel of a game more than Martz. Go for it on 4th and 6 from the 30? Check. Deep drops with poor offensive lines and no help on elite ends? You bet. Mind games with every damn player on the team? Hey, why not? Turn San Francisco into an offensive juggernaut? Get the hell out of here. I’m not sure if it’s Martz or his faithful followers, but this whole situation makes me want to donkey punch his googly face.

Willis McGahee: Sure, maybe I have a little invested in this moron in my dynasty league, but that aside, is there a guy that tries harder to turn his employer off? There’s going to be a day in sports where guys like this finally can’t find jobs. It may not come soon, but those that won’t buy into the team aspect of team sports will eventually have to go back to school or just find a gutter to lay in. McGahee is the best back in the NFL, just ask him. But now, he might not even be the best back on his team. Rookie stud Ray Rice is turning on the heat in camp, and Willis isn’t healthy enough to show us what he has in the tank. If McGahee ever truly figures it out he might just be a great keeper. For now, he’s just keeping the starting spot warm for Ray.

Tarvaris Jackson: SLIDE!!! Get down! Hurry! Nope, knee injury. Luckily it’s not bad, but TJ, it’s the pre-season, don’t try to be better than the girls you go with. You are going to impress people this season, if, and only if, you can stay healthy.

Steven Jackson: This could go to the Rams as well, but right now it seems like Jackson wants to be the highest paid running back in the league. Even Mrs. Buttersworth is pissed about that. I don’t know where guys that aren’t the best in the league demanding to get paid like they are LT became so popular, but it should stop. For the sake of the Rams, it should stop. For the sake of the game, it should stop. For the sake of those billionaire owners, it should - continue. Jackson is a damn good ball player, but he’s not the best anything in this league. He should get a new contract, and he’s young enough to play one out, but these two sides need to figure it out.

Reggie Bush: Can you please carry the ball for more than 4 yards a touch? Just once during the pre-season so I can believe in you. Ready for this? The best move the Houston Texans have ever made was taking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush. Believe it. Reggie, I still believe, but you are making it desperately frustrating to drink your cool-aid.

Vince Young: Please complete more than 25% of your passes during the next pre-season game. I think so much of you. I tell people all the time how you are going to be one of the best quarterbacks in your loaded class. So far, Jay Cutler is getting the nod and he looks like he’s asleep all the damn time. Do your thing, stop forcing me to pull out my own nose hairs.

Carson Palmer: I used to think you were the best quarterback in the NFL. You look mediocre at best and I’m hoping it’s just the pre-season. That high-flying act that you and Chad and T.J. were supposed to be has seized to exist. I need more from you. You need consistency. Right now you are breaking my balls.

Marc Bulger: Where have you gone or who was that accurate game manager that put up so many points a couple years ago? I need an answer here. Are you the 50% interception passer that you were last season and now into the pre-season? Or are you the guy that tossed all those touchdowns and kicked Kurt Warner out of a job? Right now I’m baffled. You look terrible. Torry Holt is still wide open, you just can’t get it to him. Do you need Steven Jackson that bad?

DeSean Jackson: You’re making me cry tears of joy right now. You know why? You look like you could be the guy. McNabb needs you really bad. I’d love to see him get a #1 target and your speed could turn you into the guy. Jerry Rice believes in you. McNabb believes in you. I believe in you. I’m pretty sure Yao Ming digs your lightning style. Don’t turn my happy tears into sad rage - keep on doin’ what you’re doin’!

Fantasy Football Tear Jerkers - Week 12

Fantasy Football Know It All

I took a little break from my Tear Jerkers because I was just downright too sad to continue. However, here’s my Week 12 gut busting tear jerkers that irked me out of the playoffs.

DeShaun Foster: How nice of you to show up and play, DeShaun. 9 carries for -5 yards, huh, well that’s not much of a yard per carry average. I’m not sure how that’s possible, and while I have game film, I’m not sure I want to even see hwo that was possible. Gross. Oh, and nice fumble, too.

Ricky Williams: -1 fantasy point, and out for the season, you know what Ricky, I still dig you anyway. Smoke that tree, man! I hope you get traded somewhere and get a chance to play next season, I’m interested as to how well you can play with as much time out of the league as you’ve had.

LenDale White: 8 carries for 27 yards , 2 catches for -1 yard. Ugh. Not really what you expect from a running back against the freaking Bungles… Wow the Titans are falling - just like in Greek Mythology. Ah, I can’t back that up, looks like I need to get back to my studies.

Travis Henry: Get on the field! Hurry, before you get suspended for the rest of your career!

Santana Moss: After a big week, Moss is back to bogus numbers, posting 35 out of the 301 yards his quarterback threw for, Moss also fumbled, bringing his total to 1 fantasy point. At least you’re in the positive.

Lee Evans: Somebody buy this guy a quarterback! Quick! Evans has so much ability, but he is in the same position Steve Smith is in. There isn’t anyone to throw him the ball, and thus he gets a couple catches for 19 yards, and gets my team 1 fantasy point. This has been a bad year for Lee.

(All Steelers and Dolphins, I don’t care what numbers you put up, 3-0? One field goal with less than a minute left - you’ve got to be kidding me)

Fantasy Football Tear Jerkers - Week 9

Fantasy Football Know It All

A couple of these donkeys hit close to home in Week 9, prying fantasy victory from my very palms. Check out my Tearjerkers for week 9.

Lamont Jordan/Dominic Rhodes: Thanks a lot for your guys’ services, but the 3rd year back out of USC, Justin Fargas, made you guys look like old and useless contract problems that will be taken care of next season. Fargas had 23 totes for 104 yards and a touchdown, where you guys combined for 2 fantasy points, both Lamont’s - like I said, you’re killing guy who thought he was rich when you produced earlier in the year Lamont.

Frank Gore: Didn’t start after guaranteeing that you would be running on Sunday. Apparently you aren’t super-human, big guy - but I still love your game. And I think you’ll bound back - but for now, you’re killing me smalls.

Ronald Curry: I can’t blame you for your 12 yard performance and your 1 fantasy point - but I sure can shed a tear over it. McCown was even back, and you do well with him throwing you the ball. I thought you’d have a huge season, and thus far you’ve only tricked me into believing it is possible. I need a big 2nd half from you Curry, no more of this tearjerker business.

Travis Henry: 31 yards against the Lions? Wow, things are dicey in Denver. Henry, I expected something close to the rushing championship from you, buddy, and 31 freaking yards, and 4 total fantasy points against the Lions isn’t most exciting thing I’ve ever seen. In fact, it rips tears from my eyes when I need a decent game from you for a big win. Jerk.

Roy Williams: The Lions scored 44 points, and Roy had 44 yards… No scores. That in and of itself is a tear ripper. I nee more, Roy. More.

Shaunna Alexander: Not a misspelling. This guy isn’t running like a 4.6 running, 235 pound man - he’s running like Shaunna. I hate watching him. It’s freaking painful.

(Consideration from the 49ers not on this list, and everyone else that had a huge day against me, or a bad day for me - thanks)

Fantasy Football Tear Jerkers - Week 8

Fantasy Football Know-It-All

Back pain and all, Older Papa Weimer is back with his Tear Jerkers for Week 8. There’s only so much you can do, start the players you have and hope for the best - if you happened to have this group of donkeys on Sunday (or Monday) than you are SOL this week.

Lamont Jordan: Where have you gone, buddy? You had everyone and their mother convinced that last years’ terrible totals were an aberration, nice trick. Again you struggled, and made those same owners sick that had gloated after the first two games about how great you were, and how they were so cool for stealing you late and picking WRs and QBs early. Well, screw them.

Frank Gore: 4 points for this Top 5 pick, ouch, it’s getting ugly in San Francisco - so much for competing for the top spot in the West, eh? The 49ers are dip sixing it as we speak. The 49ers are getting killed by everyone, and Frank Gore isn’t getting the ball enough. Everyone can see the kid is frustrated, and I believe he’ll have about 5 big games to finish off the season in fine fashion. But this week, Gore was a tear jerker.

Donald Driver: 28 yards on a night where Brett threw for 331 and two scores… Ugh. I watched the game with about 6 die hard Packer fans, and I realized something; Brett Favre never makes a bad throw - for example, the one ball Driver lunged for in the end zone, the one that barely skipped off his longest finger tip, to a Packer fan, that was a ball Driver just couldn’t hold on to, “God, Driver, hold onto the damn ball.” Wow. Anyway, regardless, it was Jennings and Jones having big days for Green Bay, and Ryan Grant as well. Not Driver.

Brian Griese: 204 yards, 4 interceptions, and 1 touchdown…. Gross. That’s 6 points for a quarterback playing against the Detroit Lions. That’s not the first time Griese has thrown bad picks against the Lions. They must have his number - unfortunately for them, the only quarterbacks number they have is Brian Griese’s, and they’re done playing him for the rest of the season.

Matt Schaub: I don’t like putting injured players in here, but Schaub threw for 77 yards and 2 picks in his limited action. That’s a nice -2 for the day in my league. Not necessarily a good score for a starting quarterback, now is it? Nope. If you started Stump the Schaub, you were definitely crying after Sunday.
(Congratulations to Lee Evans for playing well enough to be in consideration for a fantasy tear jerker award next week, it’s about time little man!)

Fantasy Football Tear Jerkers - Week 7

Fantasy Football Know-It-All

Sorry for the small paragraphs - Lucky’s “OLD” back is trying to get me out of this chair as fast as possible. These are the guys that aided my back pain this weekend…

Laurence Maroney: Not only do we here at LuckyLester.com think this guy is one of the most talented running backs in the league, but I personally think he has the talent to be the best fantasy back in the league. With Brady putting up huge numbers, and Belichick trying to hold off on breaking Laurence down, the guy only got 6 carries. He got 31 yards, but 3 points from my starting runner is a tough pill to swallow.

Marques Colston: I know the sophomore slump gets guys hard, but this was Colston’s 6th week of the season, and his 5th time producing 6 fantasy points or less - that’s just downright terrible. He makes me cry, mainly because I can’t drop this guy.

Joey Galloway: Joey had 4 points as well, but you probably, like me, expected him to do big terrible things to the Lions, especially with Jeff Garcia putting up 300+ yards and a couple scores. But, that wasn’t the case, and that kind of pissed me off.

Jerious Norwood: The Falcons needed to run, and they needed something better than Warrick Dunn’s 2 yards per carry - but still, Jerious managed only 3 fantasy points. How so low? Well, for the 5th time this year, he had 6 carries. In fact, this dynamic runner has never had more than 9 carries this season. This Bobby Patrino guy looks more and more like a dip-shit every day. To start the week, he dropped Grady Jackson, the defensive tackle that was killing opposing teams’ rushing attack. Nice, buddy.

Jason Campbell: I love this kid, but he had 1 damn point. He only got a few chances to throw the ball, but 95 yards - my god, tell one of those receivers to do something with their life. It’s hard to think about starting Campbell next week, especially with the Patriots looming.

Marc Bulger: -1 fantasy points - and he looked bad. Not only that, but when his head coach gave him a good talking to, Marc rolled the eyes like a little girl. Wow - this guy has SUCKED this season. Hard to watch him be this bad, unless you’re a Hawk fan. 21-40 for 225 yards and 3 picks - nice day, bub.

(Also considered; - All Rams and Dolphins - get a damn win, fellas, would you?)

Fantasy Football Tear Jerkers - Week 6

Fantasy Football Know-It-All

Amongst many NFL players, these were the guys ripping tears from my eyes like they were playing some sadistic roll in the next Saw movie. Pull! Nice.

Kurt Warner: Injuries never make it on the Tearjerkers list, but I started Kurt in more than a couple leagues expecting huge things from the former All-Pro. Well, he was 2-2 for 21 yards before he fumbled and reached in for the ball like he was going to pry it away from a defensive tackle. With all the times Kurt has fumbled, you’d think he’d know that he never wins that battle. Either way, Kurt busted my fantasy hopes, the drained the chance of me covering my bet (Zona -3.5) because Tim Rattay wasn’t going to come in and win any battles. Overall, Kurt was stealing tears this week. Hope you get better, old man.

Rudi Johnson: Rudi’s 4 carries for 8 yards wasn’t what his fantasy owners were hoping for with his return on Sunday. Talk about a kick to the groin. Rudi didn’t do jack, the Bengals lost to the Chiefs, and Chad Johnson looks like he’s about to blow a fuse any time now. All in all, Rudi’s value took a big hit in this one, and one can only hope that he returns to the back he once was, or starts getting regular reps at the position.

Brett Favre: Okay, Brett looked old this week against the Redskins, but Washington has been money on defense all year long, so this might have been coming. Either way, those who started Brett thinking they were getting a renewed gun-slinger that had tossed for 300 yards in 3 straight games ended up getting 188 yards and two interceptions with nary a touchdown. That’s a tearjerker if I’ve every seen one.

Phillip Rivers: Rivers continues his up and down life, playing well and being a fantasy factor when I don’t start him, and delivering painful kicks to the caucux when I do start him. Well, I started him last week against the Raiders, thinking he’d have to throw because the Raiders would put 9 in the box, but I was wrong. LT went bananas with 198 yards and 4 touchdowns, while Phil mostly just handed the ball off and watched in tearjerking admiration.

Shaunna Alexander: My favorite quote of the week from ESPN’s finest. “Shaun doesn’t run tough. He runs soft and falls down to easily. He doesn’t look like he’s giving much effort. He’s not going to like that I said that, but that’s what I see. He’s making me see that. It’s not like I’m making it up or saying it just to get to him. He’s running the way he is, and I’m just seeing it.” (or something close to that - said by Mike Ditka) Overall, I’ve been saying this for the last 2 seasons. As a Hawks fan, I’d have to say, Shaunna is one of the toughest running backs in the league… To root for. He runs like a damn roll of toilet paper, and I’m sick of it. Thanks for 3 points, 35 rushing yards, against the Saints’ terrible defense, by the way, nice work!

Tory Holt and Donald Driver: Neither had a good match-up, but Holt and Driver both scored 3 measily fantasy points. These guys are both #1 receivers. The other thing is, neither team had much of a rushing attack on Sunday, either. Starting these two All-Pro receivers just killed my fantasy team this week.

(Also considered; - Chad Pennington and Warrick Dunn, but then I realized that neither is worth having on my fantasy team, anyway - also, Bryant Johnson (but he had Tim Rattay throwing the ball over his head, so can’t really blame him - also any Falcons receiver (they all dropped passes, from Crump to Joe Horn, Mike Jenkins, Laurent Robinson, and Roddy White - nice work fellas, way to make Joey look worse than he is - and last but not least, the Dolphins defense - what a bad, bad unit.)